Healing the Healer…

By Cyndi Ball

Iam a newly titled Empty Nester.  I’ve heard others jump for joy when they received their new title, others who sat in the corner and wept.

Me?  I took long moments to absorb this foreign feeling of freedom.  I lingered in the early morning hours, added yoga to my routine.  I found myself actually sipping coffee instead of gulping cold caffeine. During my morning chores with the animals on the farm, I stopped to chat with them, run my hand down their backs, sit and watch their antics and funny mannerisms.  The clock was no longer my taskmaster.

For 20+ years, I was the nurturer, the errand runner, the manager of all things “home.”  For the first time in 33 years, I stood, watching my reflection in the mirror and questioned who was this woman I was seeing?  What was the condition of my heart after so many years as a mother and wife?

I’ve taken a stroll through the process of self-care these last 9 months, stopping to contemplate each new process of healing.  Let me share the nuggets of truth I’ve picked up along the way.

Silence is not my enemy.  I remember when my last child kissed me goodbye, climbed into her loaded- down car, and drove out of the driveway.  As I walked over the threshold into our home, the echoes of years past became deafening.  The silence was so bombastically loud!  I walked through each bedroom, the din of laughter and chaos swirling around me. The longer I stayed the less deafening the silence became.  It soon became a comfort as my own thoughts, shoved to the corners of my mind began to emerge and wrap themselves around my shoulders.  I’d forgotten who I was and the beauty and healing of sitting alone.  I’ve begun to embrace those moments of silence, to rest in them and allow my heart to speak the truth of who I am.

At the age of 57  and mother to 6, I realized the frenetic pace of our home left little room for soulful contemplation nor time for a full, chest filled breath of air.  I have found solace and peace in the practice of yoga.  The discipline of practicing every morning, the submission to the practice of breathing, and pushing past the pain of muscles too long constricted from lack of stretching.  I am motivated by the exhilaration of spirit after a session.

Without the pressures of others lives defining the activities of my day, I was at a loss as to how to manage the hours of my own day.  An expanse of minutes awaited me each morning and I alone had control over them.  The attitude of self-discipline took on new meaning.  What was life now that it was my own?  Where had my dreams drifted to?  What aspirations were dust-covered in the corner of mind?  Retrieved, cleaned off, and now sitting before me, I discipline my day for my dreams.  I still find myself looking over my shoulder, checking my calendar to make sure this time is a reality and not a guilty pleasure that I need to hurry through.

The unfurling of new wings for this next phase of life as taken time and contemplation, hours of sitting with myself, introducing myself once again to the girl I left at the altar.  And it’s been good and healing.  And healing is an aim ever human being should be seeking.  A healed soul has more to offer the world in which we live.

Cyndi Ball is the owner and working hands of the Lazy B Farm, which is an educational homestead. She is also the Founder and President of the National Ladies Homestead Gathering, a non-profit organization focused on women homesteaders and building local communities. Cyndi believes every woman with a dream deserves someone who believes in them and in their desires to achieve those dreams. Follow her at the Lazy B Farm FB page and Instagram. For more information about the National Ladies Homestead Gathering, visit www.nlhg.org.